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눈물이 헤퍼서
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눈물이 너무 헤퍼서 큰일이라면서도
이런 글을 읽으면 눈물을 흘리지 않을 수 없다.
남들이야 뭐래건 눈물이 분명히 나를 풍요하게 한다.

[장한나 칼럼]
로스트로포비치 선생님의 눈물

장한나 첼리스트
2007.06.22

[ 첼리스트 선생님이 눈물을 흘리시는 모습은 처음 봤다. ]

5년 전 뉴욕에 연주하러 오신 첼리스트 로스트로포비치(Rostropovich) 선생님을 놀라게 해드리려고 아무 연락 없이 무대 뒤로 불쑥 찾아갔다. 연주가 끝난 뒤 여느 때처럼 선생님의 사인을 받기 위해 많은 팬들이 줄을 서 있었다. 그 줄에 합류해서 기다리다가 내 차례가 되자 선생님께 연주 프로그램을 불쑥 내밀었다. 무심코 사인하려던 선생님은 고개를 들더니 나를 바라보셨다.

선생님은 환하게 웃음짓다가 자리에서 일어나서 사인을 하던 책상 앞쪽으로 나오셨다. 내 얼굴을 응시하는 사이 미소는 눈물로 변했다. 그렇게 눈물을 흘리며 나를 안고 계시던 시간이 1분 정도 되는 것 같았다. 시끌시끌하던 무대 뒤편이 갑자기 조용해졌다.

11세 때인 1994년 10월 프랑스 파리에서 4년마다 열리는 선생님의 첼로 콩쿠르에 나갔다. 너무 어렸기 때문에 콩쿠르가 얼마나 중요한지, 상을 받는다면 어떻게 되는 건지 하는 생각도 없었다. 로스트로포비치 선생님께 내 연주를 들려드리고 싶다는 마음뿐이었다.

나흘째 내 연주 순서가 왔다. 규정상 33세 미만은 모두 참여할 수 있었지만 첼로 콩쿠르에 나오는 사람들은 당시 나보다 덩치도, 나이도 2~3배 가량 많았다. 내가 예선에 연주하러 나오는 걸 보고 선생님께서는 “첼로가 혼자서 걸어 나오는 줄 알고 깜짝 놀랐다”고 나중에 말씀하셨다.

연주를 마치고 무대 뒤에 있는데 갑자기 선생님이 나타나셨다. 곧장 오시더니 번쩍 나를 들어서 안아주며 “아주 잘했다”며 머리를 쓰다듬어 주셨다. 현존하는 최고의 첼리스트가 다정다감한 할아버지로 변했다. 덕분에 2차 예선과 본선에서 모두 할아버지 앞에서 하듯이 편안한 마음으로 연주에 몰입했고 1등상을 받았다.

시상식 후 자택에서 베푼 저녁식사 때 선생님은 “매달 4회 이상은 연주하지 말라”는 말씀을 해주셨다. 그리고 학교에서 충분히 시간을 갖고 다른 또래 친구들과 함께 성장하라고 강조하셨다. 이런 조언이 없었더라면 나는 공부할 틈이나 쉴 틈도 없이 연주하는 생활에 빨려 들어갔을 수도 있었을 것이다.

이듬해 2월에는 선생님께서 내 연주를 들으러 일부러 프랑스 칸에 오셨다. 저녁을 사주겠다며 식당으로 데리고 가셨다. 첼로와 피아노의 위치에 대해서 상세히 설명을 해주시고, 냅킨에 무대 위 배치도까지 그려주셨다. 그때 첼로와 피아노가 하나의 소리로 객석에 전달이 되어야 한다는 큰 가르침을 주셨다. 지금도 냅킨은 잘 간직하고 있다.

식사가 끝난 뒤 내가 묵고 있는 숙소로 바래다 주셨는데, 헤어지기 싫어서 호텔 앞에서 선생님과 함께 양손을 잡고 춤췄던 기억이 생생하다. 그해 11월 선생님은 내 첫 녹음을 지휘하시겠다고 직접 나서 주셨다.

그 뒤 뉴욕·워싱턴·모스크바·상트페테르부르크 등 선생님이 계신 곳으로 비행기 표를 사서 날아갔고, 닷새씩 호텔에 머무르며 매일 선생님께 3시간 정도의 레슨을 받았다. 15세 때였던 아주 추운 겨울 상트페테르부르크에서 마지막 레슨이 있었다.

마지막 연주를 하자 선생님께서는 “이제 음악의 열쇠를 네게 넘겨준다”고 하시며 “앞으로 나 자신을 포함해서 그 누구에게도 레슨을 받지 말라”고 하셨다. 오히려 내가 함께 연주하는 훌륭한 지휘자들, 그리고 무대에 서는 경험을 통해 스스로 음악 세계를 열어가라고 하셨다.

5년 전 뉴욕에서 생각지도 못했던 선생님의 눈물을 보며 다시 한 번 ‘스승의 마음’을 느낄 수 있었다. 선생님은 지난 4월 저 세상으로 떠나셨다. 선생님의 눈물을 받기에 부족함이 없도록 끊임없이 성장하고, 선생님의 가르침과 사랑을 다른 사람들과 나누는 음악인이 되기 위해 매일 새로운 마음으로 나만의 싸움을 시작한다.

잊혀졌다면 이미 우리는 그만큼은 죽은 것이라고, 누가 말했던가?
잊혀지지 않는 위대한 사랑과 영혼은 그래서 결단코 불멸이다.
로스트로포비치 선생도 훌륭하시지만
정말 장한 우리 장한나.
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